Anyways so finding out my dad was going to die, I was in panic mode to relive my past. Kind of like the movie bucket list I needed to right every wrong. But I learned the hard way unfortunately that life was not sometimes but ALL the time this way. And that is that there is no rewind button in life. There are no do overs. Whatever time is lost is lost. You can only fix the present and the future. My dad had a kind soul. He meant well. But he realized in the end kind of like the movie “Click” with Adam Sandler that there is no redo. And who was I to rub it in his face?? Anyways the cancer spread quickly and soon….the inevitable happened.
1 month after finding out he had cancer.
2 months after finding out he had cancer.
The next two months I spent every day with my dad. Word of advice: when a loved one is in hospice care the best thing you could do is make them feel comfortable. I don’t know what I was thinking and I was so stupid now that I reflect back but I wanted closure. I wanted to know all the things I already knew my dad to be. He loved me. He really did. He made mistakes but it was almost like I wanted to beat the answer out of him. I should have had been more courageous but I was the little boy again in my eyes. In the end I DID get the apology i wanted which was like a knife to my heart. He told me in his dying days just be a good person and spend time with your kids and love them. I always loved you. I wanted the best for you and your brother. Coming from Korea back then being such a poor country I didn’t want you to suffer. So I worked hard for the family. And somehow I got you to hate me and for that I am truly sorry. It just killed me when he said that. I knew he loved me. I knew.